RCL Men’s Wales Tour – Entertainment Report

A fresh, well-drilled and enthusiastic RCL team arrived in Wales on Friday 22nd February 2013 to begin their 4-day tour of Cardiff. Due to their high net worth, RCL’s travel arrangements mirrored that of the British Royal Family, with the tour committee deciding that 7 flights into 3 different airports would be the safest passage for the squad.

RCL’s travel subgroups were greeted by various iterations of ‘Dai the Drive’ at their respective airports before being driven to the central rendezvous point named ‘Bunkhouse’. Rusty Bower who was travelling from an unnamed English airport was shocked that crossing the bridge into Wales cost as much as it did. Hungry Unicorn explained that this was one such method used to keep the English out. Rusty Bower however correctly pointed out that this method was not entirely fool proof, as Elwyn’s presence proved. Hungry Unicorn couldn’t argue with that logic.

RCL’s keenest arrived with enough time to go to nearby Cardiff Arms Park for the Blues vs. Connaught fixture. Armed with the knowledge that 14 tickets had been left at the gate for Rugby Club Lausanne who just so happened to also be touring in Cardiff that weekend, through collective ‘True Swiss’ cunning and opportunism, RCL fleetingly posed as their arch-rivals at the ticket office and helped themselves to the tickets. Result!

Incidentally, Rugby Club Lausanne are under investigation by the Welsh authorities for an alleged incident of social deviance relating to the violation of Arriva Trains Wales ‘no puking policy’ on a Cardiff bound train later that weekend. It is rumoured Flying Squirrel may be called upon as a witness for the prosecution in court.

Upon arrival of the remaining tour party, the tour committee then presented each player with their tour jersey and with it their tour name – which was to be used by others at all times. With jersey’s distributed and rules explained, RCL then discovered that the Bunkhouse offers travelling sports teams copious amounts of pre-game hydration options – and with the players taking hydration strategies seriously – this worked out quite well. Though it was a shame Bunkhouse security considered Mrs. Nelson to be wearing fancy dress. Well she was dressed as a man…

After the match [see “RCL Men’s Wales Tour – Match Report”], both teams were soon revelling in the post-match hospitality put on by Llantwit Major Rugby Club. The beer was flowing, punishment pints were being sunk, and the ‘remaining’ international matches were watched. During this time, several RCL players for some reason agreed to allow Llantwit’s [slower] winger to pour hot sauce into their mouths. Never a good idea, and this was certainly the case on this occasion with an over confident Squeaky Weasel announcing he could ‘take anything’ coming off particularly badly.

Whilst the Sloppy Platypus and the Pirate took sail for Cardiff shores as scheduled due to their respective chronic farts and sleepiness, the remaining tour party delayed their departure and were treated to a whirlwind pub crawl around Llantwit by a selection of diehards led by a bald Welsh winger. 3 pubs were hit in a 1hr 30. RCL drank Llantwit Major dry, but what could be expected if they were going to give away their beer? Brown Flamingo and Dragonooch are both rumoured to at one point exclaim in unison “£3 a pint?? I’ll take 3!”

With no beer left in Llantwit, RCL boarded the train to Cardiff in search of more. Cardiff and Tiger Tiger did not disappoint. It also seemed that word had got out that 25 rich young Swiss men were coming to town, as Tiger Tiger had ostensibly introduced a ‘fit female only’ policy at the door.

With so many gorgeous women on show, a certain Space Docker had in the process become ‘love blind’ and had lost his ability to discern between the human female form and passing marine life. This proved disastrous when he crossed paths with a white Welsh whale who was beached on the dance floor from a previous night. Space Docker, still with a piece of burger between his teeth from lunch, was attacked by the sea monster who hadn’t eaten since morning and couldn’t resist the tasty morsel (in every sense). She was simply the beast.

Nursing hangovers, Sunday started slowly with some of the squad taking a stroll around town, others taking on a full English (Welsh) Breakfast. The Reverse Italian Manglider led the Swiss-fuelled Welsh fiscal stimulus package, delivering a much-needed shot in the arm for the Welsh economy at the ever popular Rugby Store. Unfortunately still feeling slightly groggy, he bought an Italian rugby jersey, apparently mistaking it for a good team.

O’Neills was the venue for the afternoons activities, with Ireland and Scotland providing a small proportion of the entertainment, with the majority coming through Dutch Bangcock and his Human Darts/Brain Freeze exploits. The rest of the afternoon was then spent drinking Guinness and playing a drinking game called 21’s – which as Rusty Bower and Lock n’ Load quickly found out, is very much a ‘brain thing’.

Sleeping Beauty got bored of this game fairly early on, and so in order to make his own fun decided to knock everyone’s drinks over, making quite a mess. Luckily Sonny Bill Williams was working that afternoon and came to mop up Sleeping Beauty’s mess. Wanting to make amends for this faux pas of the highest order, Sleeping Beauty then replaced everyone’s drinks, though oddly omitting the Propeller’s. When Propeller complained that he was still missing his drink, Sleeping Beauty returned to the bar once more, brought back a pint and then threw it all over Propeller. A very strange way to treat your elders.

RCL stuck to the game-plan at all times, and timed their ejection from (yet another) Irish Bar to perfection. Apparently, intermittently pulling your trousers down while standing on a bar stool and running backwards round the bar clicking your fingers and shouting ‘Afro’ is not acceptable behaviour. Hey ho, the steakhouse was getting impatient anyway.

With the group starting to get a bit rowdy, Hungry Unicorn decided that the best way to sober everyone up before the ‘slap up meal’ would be to scare the alcohol out of them. And so en route to the restaurant, he opted to take everyone down Cardiff’s notoriously rough Bute Street, otherwise known as ‘Little Somalia’. This proved both wise and unwise. Some of the squad were so shaken up by the experience they couldn’t sit down at their table without smashing glasses.

Using the proceeds of everyone’s misdemeanours over the weekend (Rusty Bower with the biggest contribution), dinner was heavily subsidised. The Butter Churner’s table even managed to stretch to purchasing some Welsh Grappa. The Reverse Italian Manglider however was not impressed, though his emotions were at breaking point by this time – 3 days without being in Deloris’ arms!

The night then continued onto the Live Lounge in Cardiff’s Queen Street, where even more beers were downed, along with some ‘rufi’ laced tequilas bought by a local bum bandit. Hungry Unicorn embarked on a Whale hunting expedition, but [thankfully] it amounted to Whale watching only. Not a patch on Space Docker’s ‘monster catch’. And perhaps in retribution for the ‘missing’ rugby tickets, before the night was over Rugby Club Lausanne had seemingly managed to sneak into the Live Lounge and claim some of the groups coats as their own. The Butter Churner was not happy. You could even say he was angry, though this could be attributed to all the performance non-enhancing steroids he was taking.

Monday started with a leisurely walk to the Tourist Information Centre – where a Hungry Unicorn said his goodbyes and asked the group to take 5 minutes to complete an important feedback questionnaire. Firestarter along with several others duly completed the questionnaire in black ink as requested. Though less obedient squad members smelt ‘prank’ a mile off – and cheekily used blue ink instead. Rebels.

And this is where the story ended for Hungry Unicorn. A truly wild weekend in Cardiff.


PS. Did Bucking Bronco ever get his Cardiff University T-shirt? I blame Firestarter if not J

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